Nail Art and Other Misdemeanors

We were purchasing a new digital camera at Best Buy today when I couldn't help but notice the cashier's nails. First of all, they were extremely long, extending at least two inches past her fingertips. Second, they were painted in assorted pastels in a sort of swirly pattern, and adorned with crystals. Finally, and most disturbingly, was the fact that one of her nails was curled into a spiral shape, like rotini pasta. "How long did it take to have your nails done like that?" I asked, mouth open in a combination of horror and fascination. "Only about 45 minutes," she said. "I just had them cut way down. They used to be much longer. I can't do anything because they're so short." Oh. I had no response to that. "Those are short?" I finally said in disbelief. "My nails are never longer than this." I showed her my short nails polished in a sheer neutral color. She looked at them with something resembling pity before volunteering the name of her nail place. Miss Nails, as I've been referring to her all day, misunderstood my interest in her overwrought talons. I didn't covet her nails, but I was inspired by them. Her manicure broke virtually every one of my cardinal nail rules, and prompted me to invent a few others that had never occurred to me. Here they are:

1. Wear your nails short. One-quarter to (at most) 1/2 an inch of white nail tip should be showing. Anything longer is dated, unhygienic, and, potentially, dangerous-looking.

2. Limit manicures to one color. That means no French manicures, no day-glo swirls, no cute little beach scenes with palm trees swaying in the wind. In short, no nail art. The simpler the better.

3. Stick to classic colors, like pale nudes, wines, corals and reds. Avoid blue, black, gold or silver. A good rule of thumb: If the color doesn't exist as a lipstick, it doesn't belong on your nails.

4. Nails should be shaped in a squoval, which is a square with the sharp edges rounded off. They should not be shaped like daggers, or, need I mention it, spirals. Take a cue from the shape of your nail bed, where your nail meets your cuticle. If they're rounded, your nails can take on a more rounded shape; if they're square, then keep your nails slightly squared off.

5. Sparkling stones belong on your fingers, not on your nails. Avoid sequins, crystals, and, most importantly, dangling nail jewelry of any sort.